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Dear Lemon House, You Ruined Me: Senior Year

by Kaonashi

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aisthetic
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aisthetic Sometimes you love someone not despite, but for their imperfections. Kaonashi made me fall in love with their unfiltered rendering of anxiety and despair.
nathanwhite90
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nathanwhite90 This band is truly unique. His vocals are one of a kind, but overall this album is sick! Favorite track: Fuck Temple University.
Halldór Heiðar Kristínarson
Halldór Heiðar Kristínarson thumbnail
Halldór Heiðar Kristínarson One if the most soul-piercing, personal and unique albums I've ever heard. Great stuff. Favorite track: A Recipe for a Meaningful Life.
charlie p
charlie p thumbnail
charlie p kaonashi should be the biggest band in the world Favorite track: Run Away Jay.
Christian Segerstrom
Christian Segerstrom thumbnail
Christian Segerstrom One of the best albums of 2021 so far, with incredibly passionate vocal performances, staggeringly detailed lyrics, and super heavy and technical instrumentals that bring an eclectic mix of emotive post-hardcore, progressive metal, and mathcore Favorite track: An Evening of Moving Pictures With Scooter Corkle.
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1.
T.A.Y.L.O.R. 05:11
6:06 AM, same old ways, school bus days. Freezing at the bus stop again. Two headphones and zero friends. Breathing heat on my hands, overthinking a plan. Where do I sit? Where do I stand? This tangled iPod cord is playing Lorna Shore, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. He said “What are you listening to?” which I replied “Accumulatory Genophage” with a straight face. I thought it would throw you off but you asked to listen and in that moment I knew you’d be different. He said “Yo, what the fuck is this?” and then we started laughing, bus picked us up and then we started chatting. You said your name was Taylor Oxford over the music, I said my name was Jamie and I tried to not look stupid. Cause I could feel, yeah I could feel Morgan. Cause I could feel the Trigger staring at me, I could feel her staring at me, from the other side of the bus. Cold air on my face, I had to roll my window up. Now all I see is an open red flannel and a short dark haircut, me and Taylor stare as she’s standing right over us, Lorna cuts off as she takes my iPod touch and now its 64 whole gigs taken out my hoodie. 16 feral kids taking off my hoodie. 64 whole gigs taken out my hoodie. Whole bus laughing, everybody staring at me. I guess punks really do jump up to get beat down, cause the second I got up she knocked my ass to the ground. And now my skinny jeans are dirty and my nose is fucked, and I’m still cold cause I never rolled my window up. Ever since that day, I swore I’d make them pay. I’ve got karma to burn. You sowed it, now reap. An eye for an iPod. Sounds fair to me. Just leave me alone.
2.
First period, first day, 2nd floor, 3rd door down, I’m ready now, to get this year over with. No music, just a dirty blue hoodie and a messenger bag full of useless shit. Destructive tendencies, they run deep through me. Someone told me life’s what you make it. I guess I’m just making it anxious, and it’s too late for me to shake it cause now I’m right here. But I feel like this year will be different, like maybe somehow I’ll make a difference and maybe someone somewhere will listen. For now, I’m right here. It’s always been up to me. Fuck, I forgot my combination. 16-18-14? No. Fuck! I forgot my combination. 27-35. Everything gets forgotten or I lose it or I’m late. It’s like something’s disconnected somewhere deep inside my little pink brain. Maybe it's just dark blue, maybe it's not there at all. Wait, I think my phone died. I think my zipper’s down. I think I’m gonna cry. I think a lot if you couldn’t tell, but don’t tell anyone. The Counselor told me life is what you make it, I guess I’m just making it anxious, and it’s too late for me to break it cause I know I’m right here. But I feel like this year will be different, like maybe somehow I’ll make a difference, and maybe someone somewhere will listen. For now, I’m right here. Running in circles leaves me out of breath. All I want is a break from the stress. This shit isn’t new to me, I’m used to the scenery and I’m all out of breath. This year I don’t wanna play dead. The best way out is through, I wanna make it end. Fuck Temple. Fuck Drexel. Give me my paper so I can walk out those doors. I don’t care about a major. Who cares about a major? I don’t give a fuck about a major! I made it this far, I just have one more year then… Everything will be fine. The underdog always finds a way.
3.
Tell me again about that guy from New Jersey and how he’s a piece of shit and how he’s not worthy and I’ll tell you all my best compliments and jokes and advice over FaceTime for hours and hours and hours and hours. Why? Can’t you see my eyes, and see right through my views? You’re my muse and I fantasize of you. Please, tell me what you think of me. Am I pretty or ugly? When you’re away, do you think of me the same? I want to fall in love. Please don’t leave me a romantic comedy. I’ve been waiting for someone like Casey. I’m electric and I’m breathless and I’m in your room. Wonderfully awake and you are so exciting. Lying on my side, feeling thankful that it's clever how you make me blush just as if I'm holding my breath. Lying in your arms, you make me feel again. Guided like a falling star to let this end. Guarding our emotions. I’m losing hold of focus. It's heavy how you notice my smile is fire and iron like you wanted. So what’s the catch? Will you catch me when I fall? Are we singing the same song? So what’s the catch? Will you catch me when I fall? Will you love me all night long? So what’s the catch? Will you catch me when I fall? Are we singing the same song? Right in the middle of Rittenhouse, from our first date. Carved into a tree. J+C. Carved into my skin. Love. Jamie loves Casey so much. I love you so fucking much.
4.
My decline aged fine like wine fermented incidents cemented in letter grades and missed phone calls. Mom leaving voicemails while dad kept his fists balled. Look at everything that tough love solved. Sorry I missed your call. Please just let me talk. Screaming never helps communication but sometimes being mean lets them know you were nice the whole fucking time. I want to find middle ground and you just wanna break it down. My decline aged like fine wine, fermented incidents. Every time I walk in this house I can feel it, the 20 questions I answer like a silent dancer. Scared of what my voice tone might show, my Expression Express. You used to hit the table so hard it would hit my chest. You used to scream at me for things that I can never forget. And then would tell me to try my best. Try my best? My best what? Impression of progression? Development or recovery? Parenting isn’t intimidation. Now that’s a part of me. Sorry I missed your call, please just let me talk. Taylor told me she gets out at 9, she works at Amore. Nah, her parents said that I could stay over, it's all good. We got in her car and then she took a right, and then a left, and then a right at the light then we stopped and we got Checkers and we listened to Coheed and it helped. I need someone I need help. I’ve got my girl, I’ve got my friend, I’ve got so many problems and this large cherry Fanta and I can’t stop crying and now everyone’s getting worried and it’s so damn hard to be weak in front of people and it’s so damn hard for me to actually say what’s wrong. Sorry I missed your call, please just let me talk. I feel so much better on floors and couches than I do in my own bed. Don’t talk to me about blood, or about thickness, or about water or what’s for the best cause that shit just don’t apply. That’s me dying in the living room.
5.
I’m going up to my room. If you need me, find someone else. Drunk all night, insides raisin dry, can’t you tell that I hate myself. Close the door and drop my backpack by the bedside. I can’t even take my Chucks off and I need something for this cough. I guess smoking doesn’t help, but neither do any of you. So I just keep smoking woods cause there’s better to do. Look at the pot calling the kettle, blackout drunk after midnight. I wish you could hang tonight. 40 ounce sipper, discount liquor, Yuengling pitcher. Basements and backseats and everything that goes on in between makes me feel complete. Completely empty. Oh my god, I told myself this year would be different. I just want my iPod back. Late night, stove light, quiet as can be, aluminum foil covers the dinner mom left out for me. Check the side door again stupid. My drunk ass forgot to take out the key. Broad Street Line, take me home, cause I’ve got nowhere to go. If you love me then please let me know.
6.
I recognize that chair, there’s something familiar about the leather and I feel like shit, I guess I must have brought the weather. There is nothing you can tell me that I haven’t heard before, stuck here in the Counselor's office, teacher must have thought I lost it. We all just want you to be all that you can be before you end up D-E-A-D. Cover my teenage soul in chicken noodle soup right out the can. Water into wine, I’m making the most out of a bad time. Wine into water, therapy terribly ruined your daughter. We can help! The parents, the doctor, the teacher, the pastor...fuck that. Let us in! A glass can only spill what it contains. We love you! I know and I feel it, I see it, I just can’t believe it. How was school? It was fine but I can’t stop thinking about this weird fat guy in a purple tie. I remember everything that he said to me, about how the little things become big things. Listen; this is what he sang. All the problems I have come from the lack of anyone to talk to and being scared to. All the small things they stay with me and it's been so hard to carry but I do. Make a change cause you’re killing your, selfishly you feed into this cycle that’s running you in circles spinning staying idle. Mark my words, everyone has a limit, and when they reach it, you’ll wish you listened. Just listen. I should have never talked and I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it, I should have never ever talked. The writing’s on the wall. Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops, go. All the problems I have come from the lack of anyone to talk to and being scared to. I’m scared.
7.
Run Away Jay 03:58
Sanguine giving me advice over drinks over and over again and it just kept going straight right over and over my head, and I would try to lie and hide to get over and over on them “Why would you lie to your friend?” I can’t make everyone and myself happy. I’m so fucking over it. No mentions of where I am or where I’m going, or who I’m seeing or how I’m feeling. This isn’t the last part, it’s just the next, and what comes next is the ultimatum: do I choose my love or my friend that hates them? Don’t @ me, and don’t tag me. I don’t wanna listen to your complaining. You run your fingers like you run your mouth. Shut the fuck up. Who’s right, who's wrong? And just when I think things can’t get any worse, they always fucking do. I fucking hate you. You ruined my life. I just want my iPod back. I’m calm, it's fine, it's okay. Here comes my father; hot and bothered and full of lager. I’m not your daughter. Every single piano, every man in my life. Music to my ears to hear you shake your spear at me about religion, sex and politics you don’t know shit about and how the color of my skin means I can’t be depressed. The black boy better grab on to those boot straps. The dry, wry encouragement of “roll up your sleeves” and “pick yourself up” gets exaggerated and emphasized when they’re used to fix my mental health. I’m not a leaky faucet or a loose screw. I’m an inch away from you, face to face and we still can’t see eye to eye. Now I'm on the bathroom floor with a chair to the door, the only thing keeping you from killing me. Banging. Screaming. Gary Barbera commercials on the TV. “My father did it to me, that's just how I was raised” “My mother did it to me, that's just how I was raised” Abuse is always disguised as “that’s how I was raised” “Well...what are you, gay?” No, I just don’t like sports. “Well...what are you, stupid?” No, I just don’t understand math. “Well...what are you, weak?” No, I just don’t want to fight. “What is wrong with you?” I don’t know, I need you to help me.
8.
I often think about what will happen to me. I made up my mind to change my life but everything stays the same. Found comfort in memories, fantasies and dreams. The only things I know that won’t grow old and be different than they were yesterday. When morning time comes, I’ll bring my heart along. It’s that moment when the streetlights are still on at 6am. I know the sun is coming but it’s still so dark, and the view of the city sleeping evokes forlorn. Painful, but peaceful. I’m free from judgement. I want to feel this way forever. I always wanted to be that character in the movie who makes everyone happy and makes her parents proud but that script was ripped to shreds on the day that I was born. Now I’m a crisis actor fighting for the big screen. You only think about yourself. We all have problems, we all need help and I can’t help it if I feel this way. It’s not my decision if everything will be okay. Everything is not okay. Everything is not okay. I want to kill myself. We all have problems, we all need help. So this is where our love will lie: the you and I in suicide. I love you. Fuck the Fantasy, fuck the Sanguine, fuck the Trigger. I want to lock and load 931 chambers and make the coldest dish of revenge ever served and go one by one by one until they’re all. Homicide is a favor, thank me in hell.
9.
At the bottom of 69th street, we can meet to talk about this break up make up break up make up bullshit. Whenever I want to say something it’s always “you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong” I can’t take it! Short story long: I can’t lose you, but you make me feel like an enemy, so I’ll keep you close like one until it’s time to face the truth. I’m buried in the weight of your way out and you won’t even listen at all. I thought you were my best friend. Confronted by the truths that you’ve laid out. Bury me with all of my faults. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We could never keep it together. My better half couldn’t do the math when things didn’t start adding up. Manipulation plus ideation of my self-hatred minus my confiding characteristics. Take it all from me, I know you want to. And it’s just like you to criticize every little single thing that I do. Don’t fucking touch me or tell me to chill or that I’m overreacting. And it’s so like you to pull this shit where you push all of my buttons then pull me in then you push me to the edge and then pull the card of empathy before another round of friendly fire but I got a short, short fuse. I guess it’s true what they say: the ones you love will hurt you the most. So I propose a toast: to never let anyone in. Man, it’s over. We used to get two cosmic brownies with the Day’s soda and tell each other our darkest secrets but now it’s over cause I know you didn’t mean it. And I still wanna call you to see what you’re about, but time heals everything, and time ran out.
10.
Kept you up inside a little room, who knew I’d forget to see the moon? Just like you, Blue in solitude. And it’s not like me to follow through, I hope you know that I am hurting too. Who knew I’d forget to see you soon? So who am I to hold you down? Jest a fool, a king without a crown, I’ve given in I’ve given up, I've given in, I've given up So sick and so sorry, how’d you get so sick? I’m sorry. Did I do that or was it your past? I don’t know how to make this last but I hope it works. And maybe it’s okay, I can take my bus home and call you tomorrow. So I sit next to your insecurities, keeping me warm in company, like the TV blinking to help me fall asleep. Just like 2 kids Sharing cigarettes out a bathroom window I made mistakes and I know you have too But I question what’s in common is just a handful of bad habits & loneliness The bedroom smells like you And I still feel you like a ghost While you’re driving away from me Finding safer scenery, wishful thinking’s got the best of me I’m wishing you wouldn’t, It’s not that you couldn’t, make me have to leave, I’d do anything you please I’m wishing you wouldn’t, I’m wishing you didn’t, ever have to love me, so please just leave me be
11.
Karate in the driveway. Pizza rolls in the microwave. Mr. Brightside on karaoke. I remember everything that you showed me, like how to tie my shoes and DDR in the living room and how to fight against all the bullies who’d follow me home and always tried to push me. You told me never throw the first punch, but make sure you throw the last. And if it wasn’t for you, I would be somebody new, just another kid in the class. It’s been so hard without you here with me. Send me a sign if this is a mistake. I need your guidance but you’re dead and there’s no way that I can bring you back. Two rifles in my bag ready to go. Two hands reaching out for anybody to hold. Hold your fire, it’s not what it seems, listen to me. All I ever wanted was to be left alone. All I ever wanted was my big brother back. When he died, the family cried, then wiped their eyes and pretended that everything was fine. I’m dying inside. My bleeding heart is beating hard from being beaten hard. Belts and cords and all the battle scars from civil war made me who we are. So hats off to the new year. You’re graduating from hell to heaven on Earth in a casket the shape of a bleacher next to the teachers. I hope you’re ready to die. The only thing I can do is cry. And I’m so scared, I don’t wanna die but it’s hard to go on this way. It’ll be okay. So here we are; Lemon House. Home of the Cadets. Home of every person that I hate. No looking back now, it’s graduation day. Time to make them pay. auditorium doors in front of me, one chance for redemption, for retribution I can’t do this but I have to do this. Now I’m walking to the parking lot. My legs are weak and my head is spinning. My conscious heavy, reality’s hitting. Why can’t I go through with anything? Throwing up behind a red Camry, I’ll never get to see my Uncle Danny. He would be so disappointed in me and what would my mom think? She would be so heartbroken. Years of planning and years of pain will not be in vain cause you wanna remain poem pathetic for the rest of your life, just commit to suicide. I walk back in, now security is coming. My one final chance to actually be something. Every one of you put me in this position and it wouldn’t have happened if somebody would have listened.

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released May 21, 2021

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